"I have been married for 13 years I am 38 my wife is 47. When we first got married I (think we) had a excellent sex life. For the past 6 years our sex life has gotten BAD, if I touch her breast she says they are sore, or if I touch her butt she says she can't stand it, because of a nerve that I touch on her butt. If I touch her between her legs she says I am too rough. If I attempt to perform oral sex on her she pushes me away she says I am too rough.

This only started the last six years. I have asked her to see a doctor and she refuses. I think it is an excuse, and that she may possibly be cheating. I have tried everything to try to put romance back in the relationship. She just doesn't seem like she wants me to touch her. We have two children and it's at the point that I am ready to leave. I need love I don't need to be pushed away, and I am sure that there are plenty of good women out there that would welcome someone as caring as me."

"Wow, six years is a long time for a problem like this to grow since it gets nastier and more complicated over time. Just a word to other readers - if you sense there's a problem in your relationship and have waited for a period of time to see if it 'goes away' (sort of like an ache in your gut), if it's still there after six months treat it the same way that you'd treat an ache in your gut - check it out. And I mean in earnest, not with a question or two slipped in between all of your daily busyness (especially with kids around). You need to get a chunk of time away from interruptions, a tough thing to get both people to agree to since staying distant is usually the way at least one of the partners deals with the problem.

So, back to the question at hand. You're wise to ask 'what is going on there that I'm not seeing'? When a person changes and basically doesn't enjoy any intimate contact anymore with their partner, but is still the same with their kids and friends, there is something going on. It may be that they are involved with another person, though that doesn't necessarily mean that they turn way from their life partner. It can also be that there is some serious resentment, anger or loss of respect which is interfering with the affection they once felt. It may even be something from her past that is effecting her ability to connect. Since you're not a mind reader, the only way to know, is for her to let you know. If it's something that's happening inside of her, and I don't mean a medical problem, she may not have even been able to put her finger on it, to identify exactly what's happening.

If she refuses to talk to you or anybody else about what's happening, then you're stuck. Let her know that you are considering leaving. Weigh out what is more important to you right now, living together as a family without being intimate with your wife (you should stop expecting that with her since it only sets up more tension), or being on your own with the possibility of finding a new partner.

There are no easy, clear answers here. If you chose to stay it doesn't have to be forever. Some parents compromise their own needs until their kids are older. If at all possible, DO NOT split when your kids are in their adolescent years. It's a tough enough time without laying that on them. If a couple lives together with a huge amount of bitterness and anger, that's also destructive for everyone in the family.