Most Recent Question

Dear Sex Doctor,
   I have been married for 22 years and except for sex I have always had a good relationship with my husband. My lack of sexual interest has always been an issue but now it has become the center of all our problems. My husband has been more than patient with my lack of ability to initiate any sexual contact. I can be orgasmic, but I don't seem to want to initiate any sexual interaction. I can think about it but my head and my body seem to disconnect. I have not been sexually abused. I am writing to ask if you have some ideas on where to start.

--Not Frigid, But Gusty

Dear Not Frigid, But Gusty,
   I must say that it is difficult to know what exactly is going on simply by reading your letter. I do know that problems in a relationship often manifest in the bedroom. Thus, you should take a hard look at how the relationship is otherwise and have a long talk about it. 

But, let us work on the assumption that you and he have what is known as a "desire discrepancy." People have very different appetites when it comes to sex, just as they do with food. It is only a problem when two people with different levels are in a relationship together. These kinds of issues have become the single most common complaint seen by many sex therapists. Therapy may indeed be a good option. If you decide to go that route, I suggest calling AASECT (you can get contact information in the Links section) and asking for a referral to a certified sex therapist in your area. 

Let me say though that desire discrepancies often become exacerbated by the way they are handled by people. Sometimes a small discrepancy can become greatly magnified by poor communication. Example: the woman wants to have sex once a day, while the man wants to have sex three times a week. Not a huge difference, but let me tell you what I often see happen: The man feels like he has to constantly proposition her; since she says no so often he feels like he has to constantly ask; she on the other hand feels like she has to say no most of the time, because if she said yes all the time, they would be having sex ten times a day! You see how perceptions can become distorted, so I strongly urge you to talk to your partner: see what the issues are, how often he would like to have sex ideally, what he would like to do, etc. 

Also, there is nothing wrong with compromising when it comes to sex; couples compromise about all sorts of things in their relationships. For example, if he is very much in the mood, and you are not, how about having oral sex, or holding him while he masturbates? Also, there are good and bad ways to say no to sex. I recommend that couples practice learning how to say no in a way such as, "Honey, you know how much I love having sex with you, but right now I am really stressed about work. Tell you what, what if I give you a handjob and then if we get to sleep early, I can get this project done and I promise we will have a sexy evening tomorrow night!" It is good to reassure your partner, explain why you are not interested right now, offer an alternative, and promise another time. These are good skills for *both* of you to learn. 

There are also a number of good books that the two of you could read together and talk about. Although there are books devoted to desire discrepancies they are primarily for therapists. In your case, almost any good general books about sex would be a way for the two of you to learn more about sex, your own and your partner's desires. Browse through the bookstore on the site and see if anything strikes your fancy. Most can be bought at a major bookstore, or you can order them directly from this Web site. But, you may wind up finding that sex therapy is your best course of action. These sorts of difficulties are very common, and are often quite treatable with not too many sessions. A sex therapist can also give the two of you suggestions for "homework" which many couples find quite helpful. Good luck to you.

The Sex Doctor

© 1999. All rights reserved.