Some people say that American men are more sex crazed and more sex handicapped than ever before. Many Christian men who
think they're experts on the subject are really stuck in a quagmire of sexual confusion.We need a different kind of sexual revolution, one in which Christian men break free from childish ideas about sex.
The Old
Testament hero Caleb is a great role model for men who want God's best for their sexuality. In the same way that Canaan, the promised land, was a gift from God to His people of that day, sexuality is God's gift to all
of us. Caleb came back from his spying mission of Canaan with enthusiasm, but fully aware of the dangers there.
Caleb wouldn't settle for anything less than the best. If he was here today and saw the way sex is often
tainted with fear and confusion, he would rally for a change.
What will it take for a change today? For one thing, men must not remain silent about their sexual struggles. In my counseling sessions with couples, I
often see how the curse of silence takes a toll on marriages. David and Lori were typical. David's eyes teared up as he told me how inadequate he felt as a lover. "I just can't seem to please my wife! I don't think
I have the qualities she needs."
Then he told me something that he secretly agonized over--ever since his teen years: He was embarrassed about the size and appearance of his body. He felt inferior to other men
and wondered how Lori could feel satisfied with their lovemaking.
I asked David if he had ever talked to Lori or a trusted friend about his fears. He said no. I knew he had missed one of the most important steps for
ending his confusion.
David's fears were not based on truth, but he never knew it. For too long, men have relied on distorted ideas and myths about sex that came from their own assumptions or popular music, movies and
high school locker rooms.
Let's examine and explode some of these common myths.
Myth #1: A man's masculinity depends on the size and shape of his anatomy. David thought that because he was short, a little thin,
and--he thought--less sexually endowed than other men, that he wasn't sexually attractive to Lori. He also was not athletic, and had very little hair on his chest.
Lori kept telling her husband how attracted she was
to his body, but David didn't believe her. He couldn't shake his stereotype of how "real men" should look.
The fact was, Lori was telling David the truth.
Myth #2: Being a great lover means being
technically skilled. Lots of married men need to read a good book and learn technical skills. But from a woman's perspective, the more important traits are gentleness, consideration, playfulness and faithfulness.
Men
also need to be teachable. Lori was frustrated with David's ego and wanted him to stop being defensive when she coached him on what felt good to her. Lori couldn't make a suggestion without David questioning his manhood.
Myth #3: Women respond totally different from--or totally the same as--men sexually. Lori and many other wives think their husbands have some weird ideas about female sexuality. It is common for men to think that
women don't really like sex. On the other side, it's also common for some men to think that women want quick, firm, specific sexual touch without much warm-up. But this is more characteristic of what men want.
Women
are not as turned-on with predictable, instant sex all the time. They need more emotional connection. A teasing approach is better than a quick, abrupt one.
Women are usually not as visually specific, but they enjoy
the ambience and total experience more. They value romance.
Myth #4: Men are always ready for sex, are instantly aroused and have great stamina. David shared how ego-deflating and frightening it had been to experience
impotence and premature ejaculation. Thankfully, Lori had read that these sexual problems were common in marriages, and impotence could be caused by fatigue, stress or performance anxiety.
The couple discovered that
talking about it helped solve the problem. David learned he didn't always have to be ready for sex, and Lori learned that sometimes he needed her to be more active in their lovemaking.
God designed lovemaking for
mates to comfortably relax, be playful, and focus on the feelings of the moment--not be spectators observing the process mentally.
Myth #5: Certain past sexual experiences will haunt us for life and we can never heal
from them. One man in my counseling session told me about some sexual activity he had with other boys when he was 12. I reassured him that most people go through some normal sexual experimentation and curiosity when
growing up. And with God's grace we can grow beyond those experiences.
Your sexual past may be distorted and abusive, but there is nothing that is beyond God's ability to heal.
Myth #6: Men have a higher sex drive,
and therefore will be aroused more, lust more and need more. Research suggests that most men think about sex five to 15 times an hour. But thinking about sex is not the same as lust or sexual arousal.
If you see a
cute jogger and almost run your car off the road looking at her, you're not just a victim of a high sex drive--you've made a conscious decision to lust and create arousal.
Men cannot control the initial visual stimuli
and sexual thoughts. But they can control what they do with their thinking. It is a man's choice to mentally massage a sexual cue into lust.
Let me illustrate another part of this myth. A man named Victor was in my
office whining about how he hadn't had sex in four months because of Pat's difficult pregnancy. I asked him if anything had dropped off or exploded yet. I'm afraid I wasn't very sympathetic with his allowing sex to be
such a driving force in his life.
Celibacy is a part of every man's life, whether single or married--and that discipline is good for us.
At a recent conference, a single man told me how fortunate I was to be
married. "You're never lonely and sex is available to you instantly," he said. I then helped him understand the real truth.
Sex is not our most important need, it's not always available and we can thrive
without it.
Myth #7: Sex is shameful, and as Christians we must not discuss it openly. Why don't men who trust each other talk more openly about sex? Yes, we seem capable of joking about sex, but what about
meaningful, helpful conversations?
This reminds me of Tim, another man I counseled. For many years Tim longed to have an honest discussion with someone about masturbation and the use of slang in his lovemaking. As he
and I talked about it, we discovered that Tim's problem was not masturbation, but laziness and his unwillingness to risk rejection from his wife when he approached her to make love. We also talked about how masturbation
worked against his desire to have a pure thought life and his desire for intimacy with his wife.
When we discussed the use of slang in lovemaking, I pointed out that male slang words were harsh and aggressive, and
female ones were silly and demeaning. Christian men can do better than that. We can create our own playful, private sexual language that is much more tender.
Talk It Out
Tim talked openly about his sexual concerns,
and it settled nagging questions that had affected his marriage.
But talking about sex is important for another reason. Secrecy and silence are Satan's tools for fueling the power and destructiveness of sexual sin.
Dialogue and confession are God's methods for bringing sin to light and for starting the healing process.
Admitting our sexual sin can be embarrassing and painful, especially when it has brought hurt to others. Satan,
the father of lies, leads us to rationalize, which keeps us trapped in silent darkness: "What she doesn't know won't hurt her that much," or "You'll be humiliated and never regain respect."
