After 24 years of addiction to pornography, Jack Hall
walked his way to freedom. Now Jack and his wife, Laurie, talk about the secrets, the struggles, and the ultimate victory they finally enjoyed. Here is part of their story. (Jack and Laurie Hall are not their real
names.)Jack: After Laurie and I were married, I thought marriage would cure my lust for porn. It didn't because lust is not satisfied by love. Lust isn't even satisfied by a good sexual relationship. Lust is a
great inner emptiness that steals everything and takes away everything to try and fill itself up. Lust is a user. It has nothing to contribute to a relationship. Feeling increasingly empty, four or five years after we
were married I started buying magazines.
Laurie: I was a junior in college when I met Jack. I knew he was a missionary kid and I was pretty impressed by the fact that he was working in the White House as a member of
the Presidential Honor Guard during the Nixon administration. All my friends and family thought he was a super nice, squeaky clean kind of guy. I was madly in love.
During our courtship we taught Sunday school
together and we talked about the common values we had. Jack said he wanted a family and a loving home more than anything and that's the way I felt too. When Jack asked me to marry him, I thought I was the luckiest girl
in the world.
Almost from the beginning of our marriage, I knew something was wrong. I never saw pornography when we were dating and only once in 24 years of marriage has Jack brought it into our home. But pornography
and the thoughts it created in Jack's mind cast a growing pall in our marriage. Jack was rarely home.
He seemed totally uninterested in family life. When the children came, I took childbirth classes by myself. He
didn't come to see me in the hospital after they arrived. Christmas, birthdays and anniversaries were almost totally unrecognized.
By now, Jack was a staff member at a large church in the South. The time he spent away
from home was justified as serving the Lord, and who was I to be greedy for time that should belong to the Lord? Looking for answers to my growing despair, I joined a number of Bible studies on marriage. I became the
Total Woman, the Cheerful Woman, the Joyful Woman, the Fascinating Woman. Despite my best efforts, Jack was growing further and further away from me.
Jack: After several years, I took a secular job with a lot of
pressure. Once again, pornography helped make the world go away. The woman in the pictures was all mine and she was smiling right at me. I thought I could control what I was doing, but I was wrong.
There's a
progression that occurs when you're involved with pornography. It might take you a number of years like it did me, but you will continue on that downward spiral. At first, I just did the magazines. Then I started going
to R- and X-rated movies. Eventually, I started going to strip clubs. Later on, I was unfaithful to Laurie. Because my work required a lot of traveling and long hours, I was able to successfully hide what I was doing
from even my best friend.
By this time, I had become an absentee husband and father. I was no good to anybody. The lust starved my reasoning abilities and thought processes. My work skills began to suffer. I had
always prided myself that I wasn't like other guys I worked with. I judged them for getting drunk. But, even though I had never been drunk with alcohol, I was getting drunk with lust.
Laurie: Jack didn't tell me he
was out at the clubs or sleeping with hookers. I was battling an unseen enemy and I was losing, badly. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. After all, we had two wonderful children, a lovely home in an
executive neighborhood, and Jack was well respected in our church. Maybe I expected too much out of marriage, I told myself. Maybe this was just how life was. Still, I felt like I was going it alone all the time.
Our sexual relationship was strained. In spite of sexy nighties and plenty of invitations from me, Jack just wasn't interested.
One hopeless night as I was ready to walk out of our marriage, the Lord spoke to me in a
powerful way and said He would show me how to keep my marriage vows. That was the beginning of an adventure of faith. I began to see that many of the things I had believed about God were not true. For the first time I
learned who I truly was in Christ and Who He was in me.
My spiritual awakening opened my eyes to also see Jack in a different light. I became aware that he was lying to me. I saw the fear and anger that he kept so
carefully hidden. After a time, I began to fast and pray, asking God to set Jack free from whatever was holding him captive.
Jack: I didn't know that Laurie was praying for me, but something began to change. I just
couldn't seem to connect with a prostitute. I still did the clubs and the magazines, but I was unable to fully act out my addiction.
I began to think if I could get away from the city and the traveling my job
required, I could stop living the lie. I wanted to believe that Laurie still had no idea what was going on. I was hoping I would never have to tell her or anyone. So, I quit my job and moved my family to a small town in
Vermont. It was my way out.
I thought I'd start my own business, but porn had trashed my ability to problem solve, so I made a very poor businessman. Outwardly, I tried to act like everything was OK, but inside, I was
panicking. Being in a rural area, I had no access to the clubs that used to take my mind off my troubles, but I could easily get the magazines. So, I continued in my addiction.
Laurie: By now, Jack's personality
was disintegrating. He began to act very strange, and he became abusive. Through a painful process, the truth of what Jack was doing came into the open.
Jack: Laurie agreed to stay with me if I got help, and I
promised I would. I started counseling, but I wasn't really ready to deal with my problem. It was important to me to have people think I was a really nice guy, so I would go and lie to the counselor and tell him how
well I was doing. But I was still doing the magazines and all the behavior that was part of the pornographic mindset.
The neglect, broken promises, stealing, manipulation, fear, emotional abuse, broken dreams,
humiliation, embarrassment and broken trust continued. This horrible stuff ripped our family apart. It also got me fired from a job which was a real jolt. I had been voted Most Valuable Manager three times and here I
was fired for lying and incompetence. But even that didn't make me wake up. Laurie was hanging on by the tips of her nails and they were starting to break off. I had very little idea what I had done and was doing to my
family.
Laurie: After two years of making no progress in counseling, I knew Jack wasn't ready to let go of his addiction. In the most difficult decision of my life, I finally asked him for a separation.
Jack:
Separation was a wake-up call I'll never forget. My kids were devastated. I had betrayed them big time. They wanted to know why I could live such a lie. While we were separated, I had plenty of time to think and I
realized what I'd been doing. I started doing a lot of busy stuff like reading self-help books. I felt that the busier I was, the faster I'd heal. I started to break down the wall I'd built between me and God, but I had
used good cement and I was still stubborn enough not to swing the wrecking ball very hard. Nine months later, I came home different but not changed.
Laurie has had to use tough love with me. I wanted to live in
the fantasy I had created in my mind. She kept calling me back to the reality of the way I was acting in real life. It has been an extremely difficult process for her, but very essential for my healing.
Nehemiah and
the children of Israel needed to see the damage done to Jerusalem before they could start to rebuild the wall. When I really began to see how hurtful I'd been to my family, the Lord started the healing.
The Lord gave
me the courage to go through this tough process by showing me how much He loves me. I'd heard many times how much, but I never took it for myself. He gave me a vision of Christ on the cross, looking at me with tears in
His eyes, saying: "Jack, I love you enough to die for you and you're not willing to receive that love. If you will, I will heal you of your past hurts so you can live free and I can finish that good work I've begun
in you."
I had held onto my pride. Whenever Laurie would ask me to go for help, I'd tell her, "Well, I have my pride you know." But, when I had that vision, I saw how my pride was spitting in the face
of God's love and it broke me. He told me to stop doing and let Him heal me. What a wonderful idea, but then I couldn't be in control. Letting go and dealing with fear and lying have been a struggle. Our pastor has been
helping me with this. I've also found that attending a 12-step group is very helpful. As I let go, Christ has filled the emptiness with healing and freedom. As I learn who I am in Christ, He gives me the strength to
live up to that.
My wife and children have shed many, many tears because of my addiction to pornography. If you are into pornography, there is hope. That hope came when I finally laid down my pride and began to accept
that God loves me. As I opened myself to that love, I found the courage and power to heal. You can too.
